Wednesday, July 23, 2008

A little honesty...

I have to tell ya, I am really bummin' today. Do you ever feel like you hit one of those points in your life where you think things are finally beginning to work out, only to have the gods spit in your face, point and laugh (for the record, not talking about God, just some fictional gods I like to blame when things aren't going my way and I want to pretend like there is some conspiracy against me). For instance, you think that you have found a new great job at a family company - only to find out that said job causes you become this distance mother with a Blackberry chained to her hand, while your child just wants some attention and snuggles. So you leave said job after just 9 months (with your tail between your legs) and wonder what the heck that experience was all about. Then you FINALLY meet a man that you could actually imagine a future with - but you play it cool 'cause you've been down this road before and know how dangerous it can be to get your heart wrapped up in someone. Things go well...you begin to let down defenses and actually believe that there could be something there with this person. You have so much in common. You genuinely enjoy each other's company. You look forward to phone calls, emails and text messages in a way you haven't in, well, eight years. And then it blows up in your face. And you begin to wonder why you would think that something like this could work out. You wonder if it truly is, as they say, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Not so sure about that. I was pretty comfortable when my relationships were really just a chance to go out to dinner with an adult and enjoy, but not spend the energy wondering about where this could lead. Sure, if you don't look for someone you truly care about, you will never find someone you truly care about. But then you don't spend five minutes of your evening hiding in the bathroom, crying quietly over a broken heart.

These are those moments when I have to remember to keep my eye on the ball. I have a beautiful, healthy child that I need to enjoy and be strong for. And, in the end, I guess it is at least comforting to know that I can feel this way about someone after such a long time without those feelings. Still stinks though.

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