Dating

So I have been out with a guy named Chris several times, and I actually think there could be something here. He is a few years older than me. His family owns a mechanical engineering company that he works at. He is SUCH a gentleman, and practically runs ahead of me to make sure that he can hold the door open. It's little things like that that I think are huge in relationships. He has a close family and understands that I can't go out with him whenever we want because Corbin is my priority. It's not just about getting a babysitter, it's about wanting to spend time with him. He also understands that I am a firm believer in not dragging your children into your dating life. I do not bring guys I am dating around Corbin. I would hate for him to get attached and then heartbroken when a break up occurs. I am still trying to navigate the whole dating thing (even though Corbin is 8!). I just haven't really dated a lot.

Fingers crossed!

Please say a quick prayer for my sister. She is having surgery tomorrow to have her defibulator replaced. I am keeping Carson and Michael tomorrow night so that she can rest without worrying about the kids. It is a pretty routine procedure.

Two random thoughts

1. For some reason the connection between my computer and printer was lost, and I can't find the CD from the printer. I think I can install it by downloading from the internet, but haven't had time to mess with it. Any suggestions?

2. I don't know what it is, but I keep catching a scent in my house that reminds me of the baby days. I can't pin point it (but don't worry, it's not urine or poop). But man is it making me want to hold a baby (I won't say have a baby because that would be a sure sign that I need to be committed). See mom of the octuplets? Just because you want babies around doesn't mean you have them! Just borrow a friend's for a day. Or go rock some drug addicted babies. If I had 14 children ever in my life, God had better send them each with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

That's all.

Keeping busy

I am officially freelancing for an agency I used to work with in one of my former positions. It is going well, but I am still figuring out how to balance it with looking for a full time job. I am very greatful to have some actual work to keep me busy (and keep me working in the field). I also had a networking meeting with someone last week, and he was fabulous. He had a few minor suggestions for my resume, and some great contacts.

I feel like part of the real world again! My situation is not solved, but it doesn't seem as bad as I though it was.

Heading to the gym for a quick workout. Have a good day!

My First Heartbreak

When I was younger, I was head over heels for Corey Feldman.

While most girls were dreaming of Corey Haim, I preferred Feldman. I think he seemed a little more attainable. Like maybe one day, when all of the girls were rushing to his friend, Feldman would look across the room and see me...and know that I would be with him always. Even though I was ten.

In those days, I constantly read Teen Beat, tearing out the pin up posters of eighties heartthrobs and taping them to my closet doors. One could say I was a little boy crazy, but my heart belonged to Corey.

Then, one day while listening to the radio, I heard the report that Corey Feldman had been arrested for drug possession. What?! My future husband would NOT do drugs.

My diary entry from that fateful day (I recently found my old diary):
I just heard on the news that Corey Feldman was arrested for drugs. This cannot be true. He doesn't do drugs. Corey Haim does drugs. I read somewhere that they had a fight. I bet this is his way of getting even. He put his drugs in Corey F.'s car and called the police. There you have it. I hate Corey Haim. Corey Feldman is INNOCENT. He DOES NOT do drugs!!!

Little dramatic?

Anyway, after several days, I came to the realization that this was true, and that the person I intended to spend my life with was a druggie. I guess this was a blessing in disguise. I was forced at an early age to learn that you can't help someone who won't help himself. And sometimes you have to let a person go and see if they come back to you. I still remember taking the pictures of him off my closet door. I even saved them for a while, along with other momentos. When I was ready to let go, I piled them in a trash can and watched them burn, a la Jeff Daniels in "Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael."*

My Corey never did show up on my door step. But he got clean, and that is what matters.

*Parts of this story may have been exaggerated to increase dramatic value

A visit to the Arch

I was just looking through some pictures from the past year and found some fun ones, so I thought I would share them.

Last February, there was a pretty and warm weekend, so my friend Erica and I took our kids down to the Arch. We had to wait a bit on tickets, so we decided to take a riverboat ride, something I have never done. While the St. Louis riverfront is not always beautiful (particularly in the winter when the trees are bare), it was fun. For information about visiting any of the attractions on the riverfront (or buying tickets in advance), visit http://www.gatewayarch.com/.

Our riverboat ride:

We also went up in the Arch. Just a sidenote, it is never good when you step off the tram and hear, "Welcome to the St. Louis Arch. Yes, the Arch is moving. It is a windy day." Yep. The ground was moving, outside of my control. Like freshman year of college all over again. But we had fun in the 10 minutes we were up there before the adults in the party decided we needed to descend before blowing chunks. :)
The kids also enjoyed running on the Arch grounds and posing on the stairs.

Snow days

Thanks for the support on my last post. I just needed to vent and I don't like doing it with friends and family by phone or in person because they will probably think I am falling apart. I do my best to keep the negative thoughts at bay, but sometimes I just need to get them out.

Onto happier things...pictures from sledding the past few days. Corbin loves playing in the snow. We went over to my sister's both days to sled and have snow ball fights. We had a blast.

Feeling low

So I have officially been unemployed for over two months. And it is slim pickins. I just went to the job bank for a PR professional association, and where there would normally be 4-5 jobs listed, there is now one. And this is after weeks of being blank. I have my network working for me, but there is just not a lot out there in PR.

My former employer just increased the monthly Cobra payment by $50, and I am afraid that they are going to go out of business before I get the vacation money they owe me.

I am expanding my search to retail, etc. (I've never waitressed before and am kicking myself for that now). I am also looking in Jeff City.

I have an interview tomorrow. I am trying to get pumped for it, but recognize that there are a lot of smart professionals looking for jobs right now so I don't want to get my hopes up.

Ugh. I am just emotionally spent. I try not to dwell on this, but I am just kicking myself for not accepting the other job that I was offered last spring. Or staying at the one I had. I was an idiot to go back to this employer, even though I enjoyed the work and he offered more money.

At some point I need to decide whether it is worth putting my condo on the market and moving in with my parents. I am sure at this point that I will lose money (that I don't have) on it, but it seems like I am in denial if I keep plugging money into a mortgage only to run out of money a few months down the road and have to get rid of it anyway. The thing that is really discouraging is that I feel like through the years I have made the right decisions - I didn't get into a mortgage I can't afford, I've lived frugally, going without so that I can make ends meet. Building (what I thought was) a successful career. I have never had anything less than stellar reviews from employers. I just don't get it. Logically, I know that bad things happen to good people too, but in my heart of hearts, I just trusted that things would turn out okay if I made good decisions. Now I am just not sure how things will turn out. And it is really depressing.

Sorry, I just needed to vent a little. Please pray that my interview tomorrow goes well and I am employed soon, putting this nightmare behind us. Or that something else comes along in the next couple of weeks.

In the meantime, I just need to stay centered on one thing:

As long as he is healthy and his life turns out well, everything will be worth it. I am a lucky lady. :)