So I am embarking on the incredible (read: humbling, self-deprecating, embarrassing) task of filing for unemployment. Super. Sorting through the information needed and forms reminds me of applying for Medicaid for the boy right before he was born. Because I was still in college (finishing up the last year +), I was covered under my parents insurance, but needed coverage for Corbin until I could get a job with insurance. Many people who know me do not know that I once had to take advantage of public healthcare. I come from an upper middle class family. I always thought of that as being something for poor people. But, I guess, I was poor at the time.
But you do what you have to do and move on. Or so I thought. While I have always told people faced with job loss or other hardships to go for the government help (that is, after all, what you pay taxes for), I wasn't prepared for what a hit filing for unemployment would be on my self worth. I know that I didn't lose my job to incompetency or anything related. I am facing a situation that many people are now - - so many that a message on the unemployment site says that they are extending their phone hours to accommodate the increased number of filings.
But still, I feel discouraged. I've done everything I am supposed to do...completed my education, got a good job, taken care of my child on my own. Hell, the kid even (at least for now) goes to a private school.
I know that with my experience I SHOULD be able to find something else. I hope that this feeling of worthlessness is fleeting. It's hard not to feel depressed. Someone said to me last week (as if stating a fact), "Your self-esteem is not tied with your job." I think the intent was to be assuring that things would be okay and this situation has nothing to do with me. But, while I know I am good at what I do and me being laid off shouldn't affect me, the idea of not being able to be independent really kills me.
I've always been an independent person. I got my first job as soon as I was able...not because I had to, but because I wanted to be able to buy things on my own and not have to ask for permission.
While I am not nearly as religious as I should be (spiritual, but not religious), when I am faced with tough situations, I turn to God and try to figure out the lesson that I should learn from this. I know it may sound simple, but I've always believed (and advised) that life is a journey, not a destination. We were never promised that life would be easy. We have all been given our crosses to bear.
I think that in my case, God is trying to make me learn that I cannot be independent all of the time. I need to learn to rely on others, and most importantly on Him. I've always been one who tries (or at least has good intentions on trying) to help anyone through a difficult situation. But I don't like being the one who needs help.
Corbin is getting ready to take his First Communion this week, and I was telling my mom that I really need to take him to church more regularly, but expressed that I just still have many issues with the Catholic church. She knows that my main issue is feeling welcome as an unwed mother. Now, I have never been made to feel unwelcome (except for a couple of issues with some teachers at his school), but as you may be able to tell, I have issues with my status in life. She hit it on the nail when she said, "...I know that you are sensitive about being a single parent. But you have to understand that most other people don't. They don't care..."
I guess I need to remember that...even as I file for unemployment.
...and, of course, Grandma's broccoli casserole.
I am very grateful for many things, including (but not limited to):
